halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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