you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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