i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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