3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
