I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
