Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
