Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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