last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
