If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
