I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
