My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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