The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
