Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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