mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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