I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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