Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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