I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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