My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
