census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
