All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
