Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
