I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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