I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
