My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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