yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
