I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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