i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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