Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize