I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize