I wanna bring you to show and tell
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
