i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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