Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
