Kiss
Puke
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
