Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
