I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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