ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
