Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
