I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
They have beer where we have blood.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
