there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Acid is not a monday night drug
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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