apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
