This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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