I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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