I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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