apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
