i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
