he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
