I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
