is your mom at the bar?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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