please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
