Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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