I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
