This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
