I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
