I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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