3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
