just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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