hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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