He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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